


Dear Evan Hansen: Rewritten

by TheBrokenWriter911



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst and Humor, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Artist Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Bisexual Evan Hansen, Bisexual Zoe Murphy, Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen) Deserves Better, Connor Murphy Lives (Dear Evan Hansen), Cynthia Murphy Is a Good Mother, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Evan Hansen Deserves Happiness, Eventual Alana Beck/Zoe Murphy, Eventual Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy, Everyone Has Issues, Fluff and Angst, Gay Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Gay Jared Kleinman, Ghost Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Heidi Hansen Is a Good Mother, Im sorry Jared Kleinman, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, Insecure Alana Beck, Its Jared's parents who are homophobic, Jared Kleinman Angst, Jared Kleinman Tries, Jared Kleinman gets kicked out of his home, Larry Murphy Tries (Dear Evan Hansen), Letters, M/M, Pansexual Alana Beck, Zoe Murphy Tries, panic/anxiety attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2020-03-01
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:40:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22010446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBrokenWriter911/pseuds/TheBrokenWriter911
Summary: Dear Evan Hansen, but it’s written by someone based on only songs, knowledge from fanfiction, Jared Kleinman’s wiki and Alana Beck’s wiki.Also some insight from someone who's read it, but not much as I made a vow.I also just went off track at a point so there's that.I will post a new chapter every weekend!
Relationships: Alana Beck & Evan Hansen, Alana Beck/Zoe Murphy, Evan Hansen & Connor Murphy, Evan Hansen & Jared Kleinman, Evan Hansen & Zoe Murphy, Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Comments: 51
Kudos: 75





	1. Waving Through a Window

Evan looked in the mirror, a familiar feeling clawing at his chest. He sighed, glancing at his arm, which was in a blank, white cast. He quickly looked away and plopped down on his bed, so he could put on his shoes. His mom walked in to check on him at that moment.

“Hey, sweetie.” She greeted with a smile, “Have you taken your anxiety meds yet?”

“Yeah, I did mom.” He lied.

He was just really tired today, he knows that he should, but he just couldn’t bring himself to.

“Alright. Have you written your letter yet?”

“Not yet.” He replied, uninterested.

“Those are important. It’s supposed to help build your self esteem.”

“I guess.” He shrugged

Heidi tried to smile, but walked out with a sigh.

Evan got up and grabbed his backpack, walked downstairs. His mom was able to drive him this morning, so they both got into the car.

“How about you ask some kids to sign your cast, how does that sound?”

“I’ll try.” Evan tried to smile as his mom handed him a sharpie.

“That’s my boy.” She smiled as he clambered out of the car, “Let’s try to be optimistic this year! Don’t give up before it even starts.”

He nodded and gave a small wave before walking inside. Immediately, he was greeted by Alana.

“How was your summer?”

“I...uh…I volunteered as a ranger at the local park…”

“Is that how you broke your arm?” She asked.

“No, I...uh...fell out of a tree.”

“Oh.” She looked puzzled, but waved goodbye to head to her first period class.

“Evan!” Jared, his friend greeted as he got to his locker, “What happened to your arm?”

“I fell out of a tree.” He nervously laughed.

“What are you, a pinecone?” Jared laughed.

“The funny thing is as I was lying there, I kept thinking that someone was going to come and find me.”

“How is that funny?”

“It’s funny because no one did.”

Jared looked appalled and his face was a mix of emotions, but was quickly distracted by the social outcast, Connor. He was known for being a dangerous guy that you didn’t want to be in the crossfire of.

“Loving the new hair length, very school shooter chic.” Jared said mockingly

Connor glared at both of them and so did everyone else, which spiked Evan’s anxiety so he picked at his cast and accidently made a weird noise, which almost sounded like a laugh.

“You think that’s funny?” Connor shoved him to the ground and stormed away.

Evan kept replaying the scene in his mind as he sat on the ground trying to decipher if it did sound like he laughed or not, but the longer he thought on it, the more he forgot. 

“Sorry about my brother.” Someone offered their hand.

He took the hand and help up and stuttered out, “No, it’s fine. It was my fault.”

“He pushed you for no reason.”

“Well, he did think I laughed at him.” Evan mumbled.

She rolled her eyes, “Doesn’t make it right. Anyway, I’m Zoe.”

“You’re in the jazz band, right? Not that that matters or anything, but I’ve seen them last year at the holiday concert and... “ He stopped himself from rambling and quickly ended with, “I’m Evan, Evan Hansen.”

She gave him a confused look and then took her leave with a, “Well, see ya.”

“Wow, Evan, that was a hell of a way to flirt with someone.”

“I-” Evan stuttered as he tried to defend himself, “I wasn’t trying to flirt.”

Jared playfully punched Evan’s arm, “Lighten up, I was making a joke. You almost take them as bad as Murphy.”

“You probably shouldn’t make jokes like that.” Evan protested quietly.

“Not my fault your flirting sucks.” Jared winked.

“Not what I meant.” Evan mumbled.

The bell rung for first period to start, “Well, see you. I won’t be at lunch.”

“What? Why?” Evan tried to ask, but he was already gone.

As he walked to class, he thoughts spiralled.

_I've learned to slam on the brake before I even turn the key. Before I make the mistake and lead with the worst of me. Give them no reason to stare. No slipping up if you slip away, so I got nothing to share. No, I got nothing to say._

_Step out of the sun if you keep getting burned. Step out because you've learned._

_On the outside, always looking in. I'm tapping on the glass. I'm waving through a window. I try to speak, but nobody can hear. So I wait around for an answer to appear while I watch people pass. Can anybody see, is anybody waving back at me?_

_We start with stars in our eyes. We start believing that we belong, but every sun doesn't rise and no one tells you where you went wrong. Will I ever be more than I've always been?_

_When you're falling in a forest and there's nobody around, do you ever really crash, or even make a sound? Did I even make a sound? It's like I never made a sound._

_Will I ever make a sound?_

He managed to get to class just as the bell started ringing.

~

Later at lunch, Evan skipped it and went to the computer lab to work on his therapy letter. As he sat down and signed into one of the computers, his phone started ringing. Which, even though seeing as it was his mom, he contemplated picking up, but eventually did to avoid the ‘answer your phone when I call’ talk.

“Hi mom.” He greeted and rested his head on the arm that was laying on the table, closing his eyes.

“Hi, sweetie, unfortunately I’m not going to be able to pick you up and take you to your therapy session. Maybe you can ask Jared?”

“Ok.” He mumbled.

“I’m sorry. I’ll try to be home for dinner?” She paused, “Well, I’ve got to get back to work. Have a good rest of the day and don’t forget about the letter! Love you!”

With that she hung up and Evan sighed and started writing.

> _Dear Evan Hansen,  
>  Today is going to be a good day and here’s why._

He stared at the blinking line and let his thoughts wander. He felt so alone, like no one could see him. Even if he made a move to be noticed, would anyone see him? So with that in mind, he typed out in a fit.

> _Today is not going to be a good day. It won’t be a good month or year. Maybe I could do better if I tried, but I have tried. Everyday is exhausting. Today is the first day of my senior year, I know I should be excited. So far, my only hope is pinned on Zoe, maybe she and I could get along? But would anyone really care if I disappeared?_

He stopped, realizing that he couldn’t turn this in. So he signed it,

> _Sincerely, Me_

Then hit print, fully planning on making up a happier one to give to his therapist. He listened to it print and deleted it up to where it just said:

> _Dear Evan Hansen,  
>  Today is going to be a good day and here’s why._

He was back to staring at the blinking line, wondering how to make it sound believable. When he felt someone tap on his shoulder, causing him to jump before turning around.

“Hey, I just wanted to say sorry.” Connor greeted.

“I-It’s fine.” He stuttered out.

“No,” He shook his head, “It was really shitty.”

Evan stayed quiet before panicking and saying, “Sorry.”

Connor raised an eyebrow, but didn’t question him, instead asking, “What happened to your arm?”

“I...uh…I fell out of a tree.”

Connor stifled a laugh, “Sorry, that’s just the most pathetic thing I’ve heard.”

“...yeah. I know.” Evan whispered.

He gestured to the cast, “Do you have a sharpie?”

“What?”

“No one’s signed your cast, I’ll sign it.”

“Why would you?”

Connor backtracked immediately, “Right, right. Why would you want the school shooter’s name on your arm. I get it.”

“It’s not that…” Evan sighed and fished out a sharpie from his bag, “You can sign it.”

He looked surprised, but took the marker anyway and grabbed his arm. Evan made a sound of uncomfort.

“Sorry.” Connor mumbled and loosened his grip a little.

A messy scrawl of his name was written on his arm now. Evan gave him a small smile, which Connor returned. For a moment, Evan took that in, thinking that he had a nice smile even for such a small one. Gave an air of someone who hasn’t smiled in a while. Then he noticed the paper in the printer.

“Is this yours?” He asked, “It has your name on it. Dear Evan Hansen, it this school work or something?”

“Yes!” Evan agreed quickly trying to grab it from him, “Something like that.”

“All my hope is pinned on Zoe? As in my sister?” Connor looked appalled, “What is this? Did you write this to make fun of me?”

“What?” Evan asked, breathing picking up.

He really should’ve taken his anxiety meds today. He gripped his chest and tried to calm down his breathing, closing his eyes. When he opened his eyes, he was sitting on the ground and Connor was shaking him to get his attention. Everything was blurring and he couldn’t think straight.

“Name five things you can see.”

Evan knew this tactic, it was known to help with panic attacks so he decided to follow, “You, the wall, the computer, my backpack, and…”

His eyes drifted to his letter, “My letter.”

His breathing picked up again and Connor cursed, “Four things you can feel.”

“The floor, your hand, my shirt,” He dropped one of his hands on his pants, “My pants.”

“Three things you can hear.”

“My breathing, the printer, and your voice.”

“Two things you can smell.”

“A distant smell of the cafeteria and the air freshener used in this room.”

“One thing you can taste.”

“A fading taste of breakfast.” Evan was way more calm now.

“This didn’t mean anything.” Connor grabbed the paper and stomped out.

Evan stood up on shaky legs and printed out a fake version to give to his therapist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, kudos and comments appreciated.
> 
> Writing this from my knowledge gave me many questions about the musical and I hope they're answered in the actual book
> 
> ~ Sky, TheBrokenWriter911
> 
> Check out my Tumblr: thebrokenwriter911  
> I post my art there or random things!
> 
> Check out my Twitter: @BrokenWriter911  
> I retweet loads of things and occasionally make my own tweets as well as post my art there!


	2. For Forever

The next day, Evan was called down to the office during his fourth period. He didn’t remember doing anything, but maybe they wanted to talk about Connor pushing him, but no one else had been called down over that matter before. 

The first thing that happened when he got into the actual office was that a woman, who he didn’t know, hugged him.

Through tears she said, “It’s finally good to meet my boy’s only friend.”

“Be careful, who knows what kind of friends he had.”

Evan tensed.

“Don’t use the past tense. He’s still alive.”

“Barely.”

“What is this about?” Evan stuttered out

“You don’t know, do you?”

Evan shook his head. He had no idea why he was even here.

“Connor tried to kill himself last night. He’s still alive, but he’s in a coma.”

Evan felt dizzy.

“Give him some room.”

“We’ll call his mom to pick him up. You may talk to him in the mean time.”

“What?” Evan finally spoke.

“We found this letter by him when we...found him.” She slid over a wrinkled up paper to him.

As soon as he read the first line, he knew that it was his letter that Connor stole. 

“This is actual-”

“It’s so nice to find out he has a friend.”

~

Evan spent the rest of the day in a daze. When he got into Jared’s car, he immediately picked up on something.

“What’s up with Murphy’s name on your arm?” Then after getting no response, he asked with a teasing smirk, “What’s wrong with you?” 

“Connor tried to kill himself last night.” Evan started with.

Jared turned to him with a doubtful look on his face, “Come on, you can’t be serious.”

He just looked back at him with the same sad expression he’s been holding since he was told about it.

He dropped his expression, “Oh my god, you’re serious.”

“His parents think I know him.”

“You mean knew.” Jared corrected, like an asshole.

“No.” Evan stared at him intensely, but spoke with a quivering voice, “No, he’s still alive. He’ll get through this.”

“You don’t even know the guy.” He pointed out, “Anyway, why are you telling me this?”

“I’m going to see him with his mom today.”

“How’d you get roped into that?”

“Roped into?” Evan looked offended, “Mrs. Murphy wanted to go, but no one else did and she was scared to go alone, so I offered.”

“Were you and Connor secretly dating or something?”

“No! J-just that…”

“Just what? You want to get closer to Zoe? That’s so creepy, dude.”

“No!” Evan said for the billionth time, “Mrs. Murphy seems to be comforted by the fact that I’m his friend and I don’t want to make things harder on them by saying he stole it from me.”

“Stole what from you?”

Evan looked up, panicked, “My letter for therapy.”

“What?” He gave a confused look before realizing, “Oh those ones, the “Today will a good day” ones?”

Evan nodded and Jared laughed.

“Why would anyone mistake that as a sucide note?”

That made Evan flinch, but he laughed nervously.

“Yeah… That’s why they thought I am friends with him because it’s addressed to me…” Evan paused, “And I kinda told them that I am friends with him and that the reason they never found any evidence of it was that we wrote emails to each other and I -”

Jared cut him off, “You need to breathe, dude.”

That was decidedly not helpful.

“Five things…” Evan muttered, trying to remember what Connor had helped him with, but that thought caused him to panic even more.

“Do you need a paper bag or something?” He joked with a nervous laugh.

He shook his head and repeated what he previously said before running his hand through his hair before gripping it and muttering it repeatedly.

“Five things?” Jared asked confused before making a realization, “Name five things you can see.”

It was like something in him broke.

He turned to face Jared and said, “It’s just not the same.”

Then he was opening the car door and getting out. The other was in too much confusion of what was happening to stop him. So, Jared just watched Evan walk away.

~

Evan, after a while of walking around the outside of the school, slumped against a wall. His breathing was finally calming down and at this point he was just sobbing.

“Evan is that you?”

He looked up and saw Mrs. Murphy.

“Are you okay?”

He shrugged, as he didn’t know if he was or not.

“Let’s get you out of the sun, maybe you would like some water?”

She helped him up and took him inside. Which he took this moment to lay his head against the cool lockers as she went to the nearest vending machine. When she came back, she handed him the bottle and sat down on the ground next to him.

“The doctors aren’t sure he’s going to make it.” Is what she landed on to start with.

He didn’t look at her. Just focused on the water.

“I don’t blame him.” She gave a breathy laugh.

That caught Evan’s attention, “What do you mean?”

“I wouldn’t be surprised if he never told.” She gave him a sad smile, “Back when he was young… It was so simple. Easy to calm him down with singing lullabies. Then as he grew older, I don’t know what happened, but it was like something in him snapped. I love my family, but I can’t take Larry and Connor fighting all the time. I suppose I was part of that problem too…”

Before Evan could reply, she got up and brushed herself off, “Do you want to wait for Zoe with me? We can drop her off and then go see him.”

“Yeah... “ Evan nodded and wiped at his face.

“You must’ve been really close to him.” She commented as the walked back.

~

Zoe wore a shocked look, but quickly got over it when she finally came out from band practice. The drive to the Murphy’s was quiet.

When he walked in he was greeted with Mr. Murphy saying, “Oh, I see you brought Connor’s friend.”

Zoe seemed suspicious and tested the water with a suggestion, “You know I heard that it’s good to talk about loved ones you’ve lost.”

Evan flinched and mumbled out, “Connor’s not dead.”

Zoe rolled her eyes, “Tell us a story.”

“Lay off the poor boy.” Mrs. Murphy scolded.

“I-” He paused, “I can tell you one.”

Mrs. Murphy nodded, “Let’s go sit at the kitchen table.”

They sat down and all look expectantly at him, so he swallowed and began, “It was the day I broke my arm… It was the end of May or early June and a sunny afternoon. We got ice cream at À La Mode and drove the winding country roads to an open field with trees framing it. We picked a spot and we quoted songs from our favorite bands and told jokes no one understands, but us two. We just talked and took in the view.”

“Oh, that sounds lovely, Evan.” Mrs. Murphy smiled.

“You’re actually believing this?” Zoe asked, rolling her eyes.

“Oh hush, Zoe. Let the boy speak.” Mr. Murphy scolded.

Evan’s voice quivered as he continued, “We walked a while and talked about the things we’ll do when we get out of school. Like bike the Appalachian trail, write a book, or learn to sail. And there’s nothing we can’t discuss…”

He paused and looked at Mrs. Murphy.

“It’s okay, dear. Take your time.” She gave a sad smile.

He swallowed and continued, “There’s nothing we can’t discuss like girls we wish would notice us. It was a perfect day and he turned to me and said ‘There’s no where else I’d rather be.’ and I smiled and said, ‘Me too.’ The sun was shining and made me think that we’ll be alright for forever this way. Then he’s racing towards the tallest tree and far across the field I heard he calling, ‘Follow me!’. We wondered how the world would look from up so high, so we started to climb.”

Zoe looked disinterested, but her parents seem to be hanging on to every word.

So he continued, “We climbed higher and higher until the sun shone on our faces.”

Evan paused once again, eyes watering as he remembered.

He had climbed as high as he could, alone, tears in his eyes.

“And I suddenly felt the branch give way.”

And he finally felt the branch give way.

“I’m on the ground. My arm goes numb...I look around…”

No one was coming.

“And I see him come to get me.”

No one was coming.

“He’s come to get me and everything’s okay.”

Nothing was okay.

“Oh, I’m sorry you had to deal with that, sweetheart.”

“It’s sounds like you and Connor were really close.”

“Yeah.” Zoe said with venom in her voice, “How come we’ve never learned that he was talking to you?”

“What do you mean?”

“How did he keep it a secret? It couldn’t have been by text. He gets his phone taken away regularly.”

Evan felt like he was going to throw up. His breathing was picking up. Tears were blurring his vision. Five things… He couldn’t see, he couldn’t focus. Four things... the chair, the judging looks, his cast, and an ice cube on his back… wait nothing was on his back.

“We emailed each other.” He sobbed.

“Let’s get you home.” Mrs. Murphy stood up quickly, ushering him up and out of the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, kudos and comments appreciated.
> 
> I've bought the book! Excited to start reading it! 
> 
> ~ Sky, TheBrokenWriter911
> 
> Check out my Tumblr: thebrokenwriter911  
> I post my art there or random things!
> 
> Check out my Twitter: @BrokenWriter911  
> I retweet loads of things and occasionally make my own tweets as well as post my art there!


	3. Sincerely, Me

Jared was waiting on his porch. Evan had managed to calm down by the time Mrs. Murphy pulled up at his house.

“Evan, I’m sorry about Zoe.” She apologized.

“It’s fine.” He stuttered out.

“Connor wanted to give you some things of his, but I can’t bring myself to move anything from his room. It just feels wrong.”

Evan nodded, mouth dry.

“If you want to come over tomorrow, I can take Zoe out for the afternoon.”

He nodded unsure.

She attempted a smile, “I wish we could’ve went and saw Connor, but I think you need to rest.”

“Yeah…”

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Evan.”

With that she left. As he walked up to his porch, Jared stood up from where he sat on the steps.

“Dude. I thought you died or got kidnapped or something.”

“I’m fine.” Evan shrugged, “I was over at the Murphy’s house.”

“To lie some more?”

Evan paused and decided to focus on opening the door. Jared followed him in and up to his room. 

After a moment of standing in silence, Evan spoke up, “I told them me and him wrote emails to each other.”

Jared’s face lit up, “Let’s do it.”

“Do what?”

“Make fake emails.”

“What if they check the dates?”

“They probably won’t.”

“Probably is not a good chance of it not happening.”

Jared thought for a moment before shrugging, “Let’s just get started and worry about it later.”

“Fine, but we will be talking about it later.”

He nodded in agreement and grabbed Evan’s laptop, plopping down on a nearby chair.

“How should we start it?” Evan asked and started picking at his cast.

“Like all your weird letters…” Jared trailed off, trying to remember how it went, “Dear Evan Hansen.”

“Your weird letters?”

“Did you say something?” Jared asked, looking up at Evan.

“No?” Evan asked, genuinely confused.

Jared nodded, unsure, but started typing.

“Dear Evan Hansen…” Jared mumbled to himself, “We’ve been way too out of touch?”

“You’re better at this than me.” Evan stuttered out when Jared looked at him for confirmation.

“Fine. You’re writing your own though.”

Jared started typing again, “Things have been crazy...and it sucks that we don’t talk that much…”

Evan nodded along.

He gave a devilish smirk, “But I should tell you that I think of you each night. I rub my nipples and start moaning with delight.”

He paled and stuttered out a protest, “Why would you write that?”

Jared shrugged, “I’m just trying to tell the truth.”

“This needs to be perfect. These emails have to prove that we were actually friends. Just…” Evan started pacing around the room, “I’ll do it.”

“I’ve gotta tell you, life without you has been hard.”

“Hard?”

“Has been bad.”

“Bad?”

“Has been rough.” Evan changed and glared at Jared.

He smirked, “Kinky!”

That got a groan from Evan, “And I miss talking about life and other stuff.”

“Very specific.”

“Shut up!” Evan scolded, “I don’t know how to be more specific.”

“Are you sure?” Jared asked.

Ignoring that comment, he continued, “I like my parents.”

“Who says that?” He asked with confusion in his tone.

“Me.”

“Who said that?” He asked with even more confusion.

Evan ignored his antics and continued “I love my parents. But each day’s another fight. If I stop smoking drugs then everything might be alright.”

“Smoking drugs?”

Evan sighed and snapped, “Just fix it!”

“If I stop smoking crack.” Jared suggested.

“Crack?!”

Jared rolled his eyes, “If I stop smoking pot then everything might be alright. I’ll take your advice. I’ll try to be more nice. I’ll turn it around. Wait and see. ‘Cause all that it takes is a little reinvention. It’s easy to change if you give it your attention. All you gotta do is just believe you can be who you want to be…”

“Sincerely, me.”

“Are we done yet?” Jared asked, rubbing his arm where he just felt a cold breeze.

“Well I can’t just give them one email. I want to show that I was, like, a good friend, you know?”

“Oh my god.” Jared sighed.

“Dear Connor Murphy.” Evan though for a moment before continuing, “Yes, I also miss our talks. Stop doing drugs. Just try to take deep breaths and go on walks.”

“No.” Jared remarked.

“I’m sending pictures of the most amazing trees.”

“No!” He protested.

“Trees are neat.”

“You’ll be obsessed with all my forest expertise.”

“Absolutely not.”

“Dude, I’m proud of you. Just keep pushing though. You’re turning around. I can see.”

“Just wait and see.”

Jared smirked and locked eyes with Evan, “My sister’s hot.”

“What the hell!”

“My bad.” He shrugged and started again, “Dear Evan Hansen, thanks for every note you send.” 

“Dear Connor Murphy, I’m just glad to be your friend. Our friendship goes beyond, your average type of bond, but not because we’re gay.”

Jared started laughing, “So what? You guys are close, but not that way? Is the only man you love your dad?”

“Let’s focus.” Evan glared at him, “You’re getting better every day.”

“I’m getting better every day.”

“We’re getting better every day?” Jared suggested.

Evan nodded.

“Are we done now?”

“Yeah. You can go home if you want.”

Jared stood up and stretched, “Yeah. I’m surprised my mom hasn’t called yet.”

“Bye.”

Jared waved and left.

Evan sighed, grabbed his laptop, and got comfortable on his bed.

“Miss you dearly…”

“Sincerely... me.”

Evan jolted up, “Who’s there?”

With no answer, he sighed and decided he probably just needed sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, kudos and comments appreciated.
> 
> Next chapter is actually different from the book! As well as a chapter name that is not named after any songs from the musical!
> 
> ~ Sky, TheBrokenWriter911
> 
> Check out my Tumblr: thebrokenwriter911  
> I post my art there or random things!
> 
> Check out my Twitter: @BrokenWriter911  
> I retweet loads of things and occasionally make my own tweets as well as post my art there!


	4. Him

He didn’t sleep well that night. So he was awake when his mom came in around midnight. Tired of trying to sleep, he just got up and looked out his window.

As soon as he moved the curtains to let the moonlight shine through, he saw a shadow that was not his being cast on the floor. So he quickly shut them and rubbed his eyes.

“I’m more tired than I thought.” He mumbled and walked towards his door.

As soon as he touched the door handle something next to him asked, “Are you actually missing me?”

Shaking, he turned the handle and walked downstairs. However, he still felt the ghostly presence surrounding him. He got to the kitchen before he couldn’t take it anymore.

“Connor?” He whispered.

No answer. 

He ran back up to his room.

~

The next day, his mom came in and woke him up.

“I have to leave right now.” She informed him, “Just call Jared to drive you today.”

Evan nodded, eyes blurry from sleep.

“Have a good day, sweetie.”

With that, she had left and Evan got up.

~

He walked to school that day. Once in his first period class, he laid his head down. 

“Hi, Evan!” Someone greeted.

He looked up and saw Alana. As he was about to answer, the bell rung and she sat down.

~

After class, she met up with him.

“Did you hear about Connor?”

His breath hitched and he started coughing.

Ignoring this she continued, “I was thinking about doing some sort of tribute to him. Make people remember.”

“He’s not dead.” He stuttered in protest.

“Yeah well, the chances of him surviving is pretty slim...” 

Evan was shaking, breathing uneven. He felt a cold, comforting hand on his back and slowly calmed down.

Alana had stopped talking and was looking at him with concern on her face. She opened her mouth to say something, but something over Evan’s shoulder made her pale and leave without a sound.

Confused, he turned to look, but saw nothing. He shivered and left to his next class.

~

After school, as he was waiting outside for Mrs. Murphy, he was confronted by Zoe.

“What do you think you’re doing, Hansen?” She snapped at him.

“What do you mean?” He stuttered out.

“Messing with my family.” She stated, “Connor isn’t a good guy.”

Though, he didn’t know him personally, she was still making assumptions about someone she should know well.

“Maybe it’s you who don’t know him.”

“Obviously you don’t know him. Anger issues? A freak?”

Evan winced and responded, “Maybe he just needed help.”

“Mom sent him to therapy. It didn’t work out.”

“Maybe it wasn’t for the right thing.” Evan pointed out, “Maybe he was dealing with something more than just anger issues.”

“He was only ever angry.”

“Maybe because his own family wouldn’t even try to understand anything that he was going through!” Evan snapped then blushed, “Sorry. I didn’t mean to yell…”

She looked shocked and slowly sat down on the curb. Burying her head in her hands, she started sobbing.

“How did you do it?” Evan heard from the wind.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry.” Evan panicked.

“No, no.” She spoke, “Maybe we were the bad guys. Not mom because at least she tried, but dad fought with him constantly… and me… I never even tried to ask or help or even try talking to him.”

Evan was shocked, but said quickly, “There’s still hope.”

“How? He’s in the hospital on the verge of death.”

“Even if he never wakes up…” He choked up and paused before continuing, “We can do something to help others. Help them feel like there’s hope. Others feel how they do and it’s okay to reach out.”

She looked away and asked, “Can you tell me about the real him?”

He started thinking back to moments he saw Connor when he thought no one else was looking.

“He liked to draw. I never asked him if that’s what he wanted to do when he got out of high school.”

She gave a suspicious glance as some details didn’t align.

“You should’ve seen his smile when he thought no was looking.” He said fondly with a sad smile.

She turned back to him and gave a sad laugh, “You sound like you didn’t actually know him.”

“I- I did.” He stuttered out in defense.

Zoe gave him a small smile, “I would beg to differ, but either way. You seem like you truly cared.”

“I did care…I do care.”

“Why are you pretending that you care?” She mumbled.

Evan looked at the ground and tears started falling, “I’ll be honest… I really do care for your brother… I just never actually got the courage to talk to him…”

Zoe pulled him into a hug, “I may not know him well anymore, but I’m sure if he was here right now. He would thank you.”

~

They arrived at the hospital, Zoe agreed to come with after the heart to heart she had with Evan. As Mrs. Murphy waited in line to check in with the front desk and make sure of the room number, he fidgeted and started tracing the name on his cast. Zoe watched with an interest as he smiled fondly at it.

She wanted to say something, but she couldn’t figure out what it was. It was on the tip of her tongue, but was quickly forgotten as her mom beckoned them to follow her.

~

Arriving at Connor’s hospital room was not something Evan wanted to ever do. As soon as he did, he felt coldness embrace him. It was welcoming unlike what he expected.

As soon as Mrs. Murphy laid eyes on her son laying there, gently breathing, she had excused herself. Zoe stayed with him.

“Do you think if we get an Ouija Board he would talk to us?” Zoe tried to joke.

He didn’t even turn to look at her and just stayed standing in one stop, not even swaying, just staring.

“Evan?”

Turning, she noticed his teary eyes, “Hm?”

“Nothing. Just… He’s going to be alright, right?”

Evan nodded and she left it at that.

~

Once to the Murphy’s house, he was shown up to Connor’s room by Mrs. Murphy.

“I can’t bring myself to look in here really.” She explained, “But when I did, Connor had a box with a lot of things that had your name on it, so I figured he wanted to give them to you. It should be on his bed.”

Evan nodded.

“I’m going to go the grocery store with Zoe. It’ll be quick just picking up things for dinner tonight.”

Evan nodded again, “I’ll probably go before you come back. I don’t think it’s that far of a walk.”

She nodded in agreement and then stared sadly at the door before turning and leaving.

Entering, he shivered. A chill in the air embraced him, welcomed him almost. Still, he felt like he was invading. 

It was not a small bedroom by any means. The bed pushed sideway against the wall gave it an emptier appearance, which was filled by a mess of clothes in different piles. The closet was open and he could see the arrangements of black shoved in it. There was a small trash can peaking out from behind the open closet door that had trash surrounding it. Evan figured it was from Connor throwing wrappers, papers, and other things from his bed, which made he chuckle to himself. He blushed and took in the posters that hung up on the walls. Most seemed to bands that he recognized from when Jared had went through his emo phase.

As he finally moved towards a shoe box on the bed, he wondered if he should leave. He couldn’t open it. It wasn’t really for him to look. So he turned and when he was close to exiting the room, the door slammed closed.

“Sorry.” He heard someone say.

He looked around, but he was alone. Then the box fell off the bed. The contents spilled out and he saw multiple things. There were notes, letters, drawings... 

Kneeling down to clean it up, he spotted a wrinkled, folded paper. Which contrasted to any of the folded ones that fell out, clean and folded with precision. He grabbed it, unfolded it and realized it was his letter. Confused, he flipped it around then stared in shock for a moment before letting it go and getting up so quickly that he stumbled back into Connor’s open closet. Clothes crashed down from where they were hanging and so did a book that was balanced precariously at the top of the closet, invisible unless you knew it was there, however.

After finally managing to get up, he attempted to put the book back, leaving the clothes for now at least. When the book fell and hit him in the head once again, but this time landing open. On the back of the cover was writing and as he flipped through he realized this wasn’t a normal book. He flipped back to the writing and read it.

_**Don’t let them find this** _

Confused, he flipped back to where it changed from a regular book to a notebook. He flipped until, not really reading until he got to the last page that was written on and something caught his eye.

_**Dear Evan Hansen,** _

Panicking, he closed the book and realizing he couldn’t get it back into the hiding spot and hearing the front door open, he scrambled to the shoebox. Pausing, when it flipped back open and reading the rest of the page.

_**Sorry** _

Realizing that it matched Connor’s handwriting he quickly threw it in and closed the box. Then he left the room with the box in hand.

Catching Mrs. Murphy, he asked, “Do you mind if I bring this and continue going through it, please?”

She nodded, “Of course. It is addressed to you after all.”

Evan nodded, “Thank you.”

Before she could say anything, Evan rushed out. He called Jared once he was halfway home.

“Can you come pick me up?”

“Uh, sure. Where are you?”

“By the gas stations by the school.”

“Why are you there? I thought you were going to the Murphy’s.”

“I did. Then I got halfway to my house and I don’t think I’m going to make it before it’s dark.”

“Alright. I’ll be right there.” He hung up.

Evan walked inside and wandered towards the drinks. He figured he should get Jared something to thank him, he ends up by the slushie machine, he grabbed a cup and stared at the flavours when someone behind him asked, “Is it your first time?”

“What?” He asked with confusion and turned to the guy, “I’m just getting one for a friend.”

He was wearing a red hood with many patches, headphones playing music from around his neck, “I’ll help.”

He took the cup from Evan and started filling it and when he got halfway, he switched to a different flavour.

“Cherry Cola is a classic.” He smiled and nodded to himself, “I think I’ll get one for myself.”

“Thank you?”

“No problem!”

As Evan paid, the boy had two slushies in hand and was joined by another guy, who was holding chips.

He waited outside for Jared and soon the boy joined him again.

“What’s with the box?” He asked.

“I don’t know yet.”

“Michael, we should probably get going.”

“Let’s wait with him.” Michael, apparently, said, “He’s waiting for his ride.”

“Alright.”

“I’m sure I’ll be fine. I don’t want to be a bother.”

They both shook their heads.

“Gotta make sure no offers you a $600 dollar tic tac.”

Evan gave a confused look.

“Jeremy, he doesn’t get our groups inside jokes.”

Jeremy nodded.

A car pulled up and Evan didn’t bother standing, exhaustion washed over him.

Jared got out and greeted him, “Hey. Ready to go?”

Nodding, he got up.

“Oh by the way, what happened to your arm?” Jeremy asked.

“I jumped.” Evan tiredly replied. 

Jared got him into the car quickly and left, leaving the two boys with a shocked expression on their faces.

~

He just dropped him off. He didn’t stay, just left with an excuse that his mom was expecting him home.

Not questioning it, Evan took the box up to his room.

Placing the box on his bed, he went downstairs to see if his mom came home during the time he was out.

_Came home during your school day, but got called in again. Sorry, honey. Here’s $20 dollars to order pizza._

Evan sighed and walked back up to his room.

Before sitting down, he noticed his letter on his desk. He grabbed it and saw that there was nothing on the back. He sighed and plopped down on his bed next to the box, accidentally spilling the contents and mixing his unedited letter with the others. He quickly scooped the papers back in the box, including his own letter. Then he got up and went to his closet. His stomach growled as he stood on his tip toes to put the shoebox on the top of his shelf.

“You should probably order something.” He heard from behind him.

Startled, he fell back causing papers to fly. Looking around he saw nothing. Shaking his head he scooped the papers back in and shoved it in the corner of his closet.

Evan heard something drop downstairs followed by someone cursing. He quietly stalked downstairs and peered into the kitchen.

He stood in the doorway and spoke aloud, “I’m going crazy.”

Connor was in his kitchen.

_Connor was translucent._

“You need to fucking eat. I haven’t seen you eat once yesterday or today.” He turned and scolded.

“How?” Evan stuttered out.

“Wait. What.” Connor took a step back, “You can see me?”

He nodded. 

“Look. I don’t know how I’m astral projecting.” Connor explained.

He then dropped to his knees and started sobbing.

“Oh fuck.” He cursed then tried, “Uhh… This is all a dream?”

He clutched his chest and his breathing was panicked.

“Five things you can see.” Connor said, approaching and crouching down in front of him.

“The wall, the cabinets, the fridge, the oven and…”

His eyes drifted towards Connor, “You.”

His breathing picked up again and the other boy cursed, “Four things you can feel.”

“The floor, tears on my face, my pants… You.”

Evan wasn’t calming down.

“Three things you can hear.”

“The ice machine, my voice… your voice.”

“Two things you can smell.”

“The unlit candle on the table mixed with the air freshener my mom uses.” 

“One thing you can taste.”

“The dryness of my mouth.”

“Are you calm now?”

Evan shrugged which prompted a sigh out of Connor.

“I realize seeing a ghost in your kitchen is shocking.”

“Are you… you know?”

Connor shook his head, “No. Not planning on dying anymore honestly.”

Evan gave a relieved sigh and stood up.

“I have one more person to prove wrong.”

“What do you mean?” Connor asked.

Evan turned and gave him a small smile, but didn’t answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, kudos and comments appreciated.
> 
> Jeremy and Michael made a cameo! Also it's different from the musical for sure and you can tell it because the chapter title is if this bullshit was it's own musical
> 
> ~ Sky, TheBrokenWriter911
> 
> Check out my Tumblr: thebrokenwriter911  
> I post my art there or random things!
> 
> Check out my Twitter: @BrokenWriter911  
> I retweet loads of things and occasionally make my own tweets as well as post my art there!


	5. Disappear

It was an hour later when Connor started bugging him again about eating. So he gave in and made a sandwich.

“Do you know why or how you can see me?”

“I don’t know.” He answered as he was cleaning up.

“Thank you, by the way.”

He looked back at him, “For?”

“Many things.” Connor was looking at the kitchen light, “Believing in me. Taking that fucking journal instead of leaving it.”

“You saw that?”

“I slammed the door on you. I wanted you to take the box before they looked. I’m sorry for scaring you.”

Lost in thought, he asked aloud, “How can I see you?”

Connor shrugged, “I don’t fucking know.”

He moved to his room when he was finished with cleaning up. He pulled the box out.

“I’m sorry for falling back into your closet.”

“Ah. Right. I saw that. Sorry.”

Evan nodded and yawned, “I’m going to head to bed.”

The other nodded back and disappeared.

~

He slept soundly despite the scare of yesterday. Maybe it had something to do with knowing that Connor was okay. However his peaceful sleep was broken from a crash downstairs.

Confused, he went to open his door, but his mom was shoving him back.

He went to speak, but she held a finger to her lips to tell him to be quiet.

After quietly closing his door, she spoke, “Where’s your phone?”

He pointed to his bedside table, “What’s going on, mom?”

“There’s someone in the house.” She said as she grabbed his phone.

Evan started picking at his cast, “What?”

“I don’t know…” She stopped talking as they heard the stomping of feet coming up the stairs, “Get in the closet.”

“Mom…” He protested.

She pushed him towards the closet before joining him.

“Now shh.” She said and Evan nodded.

She was quickly connected to someone on the phone, “There’s someone in our house.”

He couldn’t hear what the person on the other end was saying. Suddenly there was banging on his bedroom door.

He reached out and grabbed his mom’s hand. Then the banging stopped and police sirens flashed outside.

They didn’t move until an officer found them.

“Are there any injuries?”

They both shook their heads.

She nodded, “You did the right thing. We don’t yet have a motive to this break in. Do you have any insight?”

“No, none. I couldn’t see their face.”

She nodded, “Thank you, we will be contacting you if we need more information.”

Heidi nodded and the officer left. She pulled Evan into a hug.

“I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

“Not your fault, mom.”

“I can’t imagine what would’ve happened if I wasn’t here.”

“It was just perfect timing, I suppose.”

“No, actually. I was scheduled for another hour, but something told me that something was off.”

He felt like crying.

“I think we both need some well deserved rest, huh?” She asked and he just responded with a nod, not trusting his voice.

She left and made sure his mom was in her room before he closed his door. Then he broke down.

Connor appeared in front of him, “Evan, are you okay?”

Evan nodded and gave him a small smile, “Thank you.”

Connor looked surprised, “I just… saw that there was someone... It’s no big deal.”

“He apparently was armed, Connor.”

“Oh. I scared him. Probably something to do with my fucking ghostly appearance.”

Evan stifled a laugh, “Thanks.”

Connor gave a small smile, “You should get some sleep.”

Evan shrugged, “I’ll try.”

~

In the morning, Evan woke up to the smell of pancakes. He groggily walked downstairs and saw his mom in the kitchen.

“What time is it?”

“Ten.”

That woke him up, “I’m going to be late for school.”

“I called you in sick today. I think we could use a break today.”

Evan sighed, “I think so too.”

She smiled, “It’s been a while since we both sat down together to eat breakfast.”

Evan nodded.

She got a glance at his cast, “Who’s Connor?”

“Oh… he’s my friend. I just met him recently.”

“You should invite him over for dinner sometime.”

“Mom, he’s -”

“Of course. I’ll have to take a night off. So I’ll need to know in advance.”

“Mom…”

“Hm?” She stopped her train of thought and handed him a plate of pancakes.

“He’s in the hospital currently.”

“Oh.”

“He hasn’t woken up, but I’m sure he will soon.” He smiled.

She smiled back then it dropped when her phone started ringing.

“Alright. I’ll be right there.”

“What was that about?”

“They’re low on people and I have to go. I’m sorry Evan.”

He nodded, “It’s fine.”

She sighed and walked upstairs to get changed into her work clothes. He stayed where he was and just stared at his plate.

“She’s really not around that much, huh?”

He jumped and turned to face Connor.

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay. We need the money.” Evan mumbled with a shrug.

She came back down and hugged Evan goodbye, “You can go out today if you want. Just be home before ten.”

He nodded and she left. Once he heard the door lock, he pushed the plate away.

“I really don’t know what to do.”

“Let’s get to know each other.” Connor suggested from his chosen spot on the counter.

“I would prefer to do that when you’re not so ghostly.” Evan joked.

“Well, I don’t mean to ghost you, but we’re both free right now.”

Evan laughed which caused Connor to smile.

“Alright. How should we go about this?” Evan asked.

“Twenty questions? I don’t fucking know. I’ve never really made a friend.”

Evan nodded, “I haven’t either. Jared’s my only friend.”

He rolled his eyes at the mention of Jared, “Some friend.”

“He’s not the best, socially, but where I lack confidence, he lacks being able to tell how people are taking what he’s saying.”

“Some things aren’t jokes.”

“Yeah… that’s true.”

“What’s with you and trees?” Connor asked after a moment of silence.

“Oh.. um.. I just think they’re neat.”

“Do you really have pictures?”

“Yeah… Most are still on my camera, though.”

“Can you show me later?”

Evan nodded and was about to ask when someone knocked on the door. He stood up and looked out to see Jared, looking angry.

Connor placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

He opened the door and was met with, “What the fuck was that about yesterday?”

“What?”

“You jumped? I thought you said you fell!” Jared exclaimed for his spot on the porch, “Does your mom know?”

Evan shook his head and attempted to answer, but was interrupted.

“Why would you even attempt to do something like that?”

Something in him snapped, “Like you know what it feels like? I’m a failure at everything. I can’t even die right!”

Jared let out a choked sob before handing him a piece of paper.

“Last night when you called me to pick you up I was mere moments away from attempting to do what you’ve apparently tried already.”

Concern laced Evan’s face and he gave a confused, “What?”

“I’m so fucking stupid, Evan. How did you even put up with me? I understand why you don’t want to talk to me unless you need a ride, but man, couldn’t you have at least been up front?”

“What are you talking about Jared? We’re still friends.”

Without thinking, Jared moved forward and crushed Evan in a hug.

Evan hesitated before returning it. They stayed like that for a while.

“I’m going to make it right.” Jared mumbled.

“Make what right?”

“Many things. I just don’t know where to start.”

“Maybe start by apologizing to Connor?” Evan suggested. 

“He’s going to wake up, right?”

Evan stared behind Jared at him and smiled and answered, “Yeah.”

~

He convinced Jared to take a nap on the couch.

“Maybe Alana was right.”

“The A+ Student?” Connor inquired.

Evan nodded, “She suggested doing some sort of Connor Project.”

“Why not just a mental health project. Why me?”

“You’re the only one who’s made the school gossip.” Evan shrugged, “I don’t even know what we would call it.”

“The Project? It’s cool, mysterious, and weird.” Connor suggested.

He stuck his tongue out at him, “Needs to convey the message clearly.”

“Found Project?”

Evan nodded, “I think that sounds good.”

Connor smiled and disappeared with a wave as Jared woke up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, kudos and comments appreciated.
> 
> Hope you guys liked the chapter! The next chapter is one of my favorites! :)
> 
> ~ Sky, TheBrokenWriter911
> 
> Check out my Tumblr: thebrokenwriter911  
> I post my art there or random things!
> 
> Check out my Twitter: @BrokenWriter911  
> I retweet loads of things and occasionally make my own tweets as well as post my art there!


	6. Safe

Evan and Jared sat on the couch as the other looked for something to watch.

“Can we talk about it?” Jared asked.

“I’d rather not.” Evan turned and looked out the window.

“Alana came up to me today. She asked where you were.”

“Why?”

“Something about a ‘Connor Project’. So I gave her your phone number.”

“You what?” Evan panicked and reached out for his phone.

Unlocking it, he saw 24 missed messages from an unknown number.

> **(8:39 AM)**  
>  Alana: Hey it’s Alana!  
>  Jared gave me your number.
> 
> **(9:29 AM)**  
>  Alana: I thought I missed you in the morning, but it seems you’re not here today.  
>  Hope you’re not sick!  
>  If you are, get better soon!
> 
> **(10:16 AM)**  
>  Alana: We had notes today in english!  
>  You can copy mine!  
>  I promise my handwriting isn’t too bad.
> 
> **(11:08 AM)**  
>  Alana: I wanted to talk about my idea for the Connor Project.  
>  I’ll probably do the set up and everything.  
>  I don’t know what you would do.  
>  I was thinking you could give a speech or something.  
>  Not that you have too though!!!!
> 
> **(1:54 PM)**  
>  Alana: How is Connor?  
>  I only ask because Zoe said you were good friends  
>  Sorry *are.  
>  I know you got upset when I used past tense the first time I tried to discuss the Connor Project with you.  
>  It was totally called for though!!!!
> 
> **(2:57 PM)**  
>  Alana: I’m sorry about that.  
>  I wasn’t going to apologize over text.  
>  It feels less personal and sincere.  
>  I was going to apologize in person today actually.  
>  I should’ve lead off with the apology.
> 
> **(4:39 PM)**  
>  Evan: Hey, I was thinking about the Project  
>  What if we called it the Found Project instead?

He didn’t expect a text back anytime soon, but was wrong as his phone buzzed.

> **(4:40 PM)**  
>  Alana: Why not the Connor Project?  
>  Oh.  
>  Nevermind. I think I see why.  
>  Sorry.
> 
> Evan: It’s fine  
>  It just feels less personal
> 
> Alana: Yeah. I see that now.  
>  I guess I just thought it would be better named after someone who went through it.
> 
> Evan: *is going through it  
>  I see where you’re coming from, but I think we all have a story to tell  
>  It’s not just Connor. There’s so many people who feel the same way
> 
> Alana: Can we talk more on Monday?
> 
> Evan: Yeah

With that he put his phone down to see that Jared had chosen a movie, but paused it to go wander around his kitchen.

He got up and followed. As soon as the other heard him come in, he turned and asked, “When was the last time you ate?”

“Be honest.” He heard Connor say.

“I ate a sandwich yesterday evening.”

Jared looked appalled, “Jeez dude you need to eat more.”

“I’m fine.” Evan brushed him off, “Besides, I’m not even hungry.”

“If you say so…” Jared opened his pantry, “Do you have any popcorn?”

“Top shelf.”

“Man you don’t eat popcorn often.”

“I mean you shouldn’t either.”

Jared gave him a confused look.

“Your braces?”

“Oh right! Forgot about those.” He said, slowly putting the box back, caressing it and whispering, “Soon.”

Evan laughed and they walked back into the living room.

“We need to hang out more.”

“We hang out plenty.” Evan reminded him.

“We need to hang out more with a plan.”

“You obviously have something in mind.”

“Movie Night Friday.”

“Doesn’t work. We already messed up. It’s only five.”

“Oh?” Jared pulled out his phone and nodded, “You’re right… I also need to go home right now.”

“Huh?”

“I have five missed calls from my mom and hundreds of texts.” He replied with a hint of nervous tone.

“What’s up with that?” Evan asked, “She’s usually chill unless…”

“Yeah. I bet my dad’s home from his latest business trip.”

“Call your mom and ask to sleep over for the weekend. Even if he’s home she usually says yes.”

“I still need a change of clothes.” He started tapping his foot, “When does your mom get home?”

“Around now unless she calls.” He replied and reached for his phone, clicking on to see nothing.

“Great. I’ll call my mom.” He hit the call button and Evan left the room to wait in the kitchen.

Connor appeared and whispered, “What’s that all about?”

“Jared’s gay and when he told his mom, she told his dad.”

“Oh, not well received?”

“No. He usually stays until his dad leaves for another one of his business trips.”

He glanced into the living room to see Jared pacing and biting his thumbnail.

“I have a bad feeling.” Connor spoke up after a while, “Like the one I had when I found that man trying to break in.”

“Oh, do you think?”

A sob rung out from the living room.

“Oh no.” Evan rushed in and found Jared on his knees, sobbing into his hands, with his phone discarded next to him, “Jared?”

“They’re moving, Evan.”

“That’s not that ba-”

“They’re leaving me behind.”

“Oh…” Evan helped him to the couch.

“They want me to get my stuff, but I don’t have anywhere to go.”

At that moment Heidi walked in.

“Hi boys!” She greeted and then saw the sobbing boy, “Is everything alright, Jared?”

He just shook his head. So Evan got up and motioned for his mom to follow him into the kitchen.

“His parents are moving.”

“Oh. That’s not that ba-”

“Without him.”

“Oh. I see how that could be a problem. He can stay with us. We have the guest bedroom next to your room.”

“We need to pick up his stuff from his house though.”

“Do you know why they’re doing this?”

“I think so, but it’s not my story to tell.”

She nodded and walked back to the living room with Evan. Jared was curled up and gripping a blanket.

“Jared, sweetie. You can live with us.”

He snapped his head up and gave a sad, excited smile, “You mean it?”

She nodded and he tackled her in a hug.

“If you don’t mind me asking, why are they kicking you out?”

“It’s been a long time coming.” He said, “It’s because I came out to my mom as gay and she told my dad.”

She hugged him tighter, “It’s alright. You’re going to be safe now.”

He just sobbed harder into her shoulder.

~

Soon they left to grab his stuff and came back with one box and Jared’s neighbour in his pickup truck with the rest.

“Thank you again…”

“Paul Heere.”

“Heidi Hansen.”

“Let me help you get these in.”

“That would be great.”

“I’m so glad that he’s finally out of that household. So it’s not an issue at all.”

“What do you mean?”

“That yelling? A horrible place for a kid to grow up in.”

“Do you have your own kids?”

“Yeah, just one. He probably goes to their school. He’s a junior though.”

She nodded and grabbed the smaller box from her car as Evan and Jared helped him carry other boxes in.

“I think you boys need some sleep. We can unpack tomorrow.”

They nodded and Jared went into the guest room. He stared at the boxes, smiled wide, and flopped on the bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, kudos and comments appreciated.
> 
> This is one of my favorite chapters I've written for this. Lol
> 
> ~ Sky, TheBrokenWriter911
> 
> Check out my Tumblr: thebrokenwriter911  
> I post my art there or random things!
> 
> Check out my Twitter: @BrokenWriter911  
> I retweet loads of things and occasionally make my own tweets as well as post my art there!


	7. You Know Nothing

A day passed and Evan’s anxiety slowly rised. He was invited over on Sunday by Zoe who had stopped by his house on Saturday. She said that she and her mom were going shopping for groceries for the week and her dad wanted to get to know him.

So when she knocked on the door to bring him over the next day, he was startled. Connor gave him a concerned head tilt before disappearing.

“Hi Zoe.” He stuttered out as a greeting.

“Hey, ready to go?”

“Yeah, let me just grab my phone.” He invited her in and quickly went upstairs.

As he walked downstairs, he saw his mom chatting with her.

Walking in as his mom asked, “Oh? Are you Evan’s girlfriend?”

Without a second though he replied back, “Mom, I like a boy currently.”

Pausing before he opened the door, blush spreading across his face.

“Oh? Who is this boy?”

“Can we discuss this later?”

She nodded and gave him a smile, “Go have fun.”

Once in Zoe’s car, she spoke up, “So you’re gay, huh?”

“Bisexual actually. I’m bi.” He stammered.

She nodded, “Same.”

There was a long pause before she spoke again.

“Alana asked about you, do you know if she’s seeing anyone?”

Evan blushed, “I’ve only started talking to her. She hasn’t really mentioned anything.”

“Well, if she ever mentions it or that she likes girls, please pass the information on.” Zoe smiled and started the car.

“Will do.” Evan smiled.

“I think I know who you have a crush on.”

“What?” Evan stuttered, “I don’t know what you mean…”

She gave a knowing smile, but dropped the topic.

“My dad can be a jerk, just so you know.” She turned very serious and turned to him while stopped at a red light, “If he so much as raises his voice at you, tell me. I will handle it.”

“I don’t want you to get in trouble over something as silly as being yelled at.”

Her eyes were dark as she turned back to the road as the light turned green.

“I hope you won’t find out.” She responded.

The rest of the ride there was in tense silence.

~

Mrs. Murphy greeted them as they walked in. She pulled Evan aside to warn him.

“Larry has a… temper when it comes to discussing Connor…” She paused and sighed, “Just be careful. Tell me if he raises his voice at you.”

Evan nodded. Mr. Murphy walked in and jostled Evan’s arm on accident. Which Evan let out a pained gasp.

“Larry, be careful. His arm is still healing.” She scolded before leaving to go grab Zoe.

He opened the fridge and grabbed a beer.

Evan’s flight or fight responses started to kick in, but Mrs. Murphy came in.

“Dear, no beer. You wanted to talk to Evan remember?”

“Right.” He rolled his eyes.

“Zoe and I are going out. Be nice.” She glared at her husband.

With that she left and Larry gestured for Evan to take a seat at the table.

He sat down, stared intensely at him for a while before speaking, “I know you’re lying. Connor isn’t nice. He isn’t a good person. He’s not what you’re painting him to be.”

“I’ll be honest, I only know what I’ve been shown and what I’ve seen. I’m telling you-”

Mr. Murphy cut him off, “I’m telling you, you don’t know him. Not like I do.”

“You’re his dad! Of course he shows a different side. He’s afraid to show the real him!”

“That’s ridiculous! He’s my son!”

“Exactly! I’m not saying I know him better than most do. I only know what he’s told me, but the person you have in your mind is the wrong guy!”

“You know nothing!” He shouted.

“You know nothing!” Evan shouted back stressing the you, “Tell me about him. Tell me how he draws. Tell me how he cares.”

“He does drugs! He’s always getting high! You think he cares? He doesn’t!”

“Tell me his grades! Tell me his jokes! Tell me how he smiles when he thinks no one is looking!”

“He doesn’t smile!” He yelled back before realization crept in after a second he whispered, “He doesn’t… he doesn’t smile… You’re right, Evan. I know nothing.”

“You know nothing and I can only tell you what I know. Maybe you should get to know him?”

“He’s not here. What if he doesn’t wake up?”

“He will.”

“I know now that I know nothing. Before he wakes up, can you please, tell me something.”

Evan nodded and began to tell him the Connor he knows.

~

When Zoe and Mrs. Murphy got home they were greeted to Mr. Murphy with glazed eyes and sad smile as Evan told him things about Connor.

Mrs. Murphy smiled and whispered, “Let’s leave the boys to bond.”

She nodded in agreement.

~

Later, after Zoe dropped him at home, when he was alone in his room, Connor appeared.

“How do you do this?” Connor sounded so defeated.

“I believe in you. I believe you’re not the person they know.”

“How could you take the yelling?”

“I guess I have Jared’s dad to thank for that. He’s been like that for years.”

“Yeah, my dad started the fighting when I turned fourteen.”

“I think you are lucky though. To have that. I mean I know it doesn’t seem like it, but as someone who’s dad is a deadbeat, I would like to have him there at least.”

Connor tried to read his face, he looked distant as if remembering something. He walked closer, putting a hand on his shoulder, causing him to jump.

“Sorry.” Connor stated, “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“It’s fine just remembering…” He trailed off before saying, “Maybe I am the lucky one…”

“No.” Connor sighed and sat down next to him, “No, I don’t think any of us are really lucky. I’ve been seeing how you live, how Jared actually is, my family’s views on me and how you’ve changed them… I guess if anyone is lucky, it is me.”

He looked at Evan with appreciation.

“Because of you.”

“I haven’t done much…”

Connor playfully nudged him.

“Yeah you have. I finally have something to live for.”

Evan blushed as Connor disappeared and Jared barged in.

“Evan! Come help me with setting up my room!”

He couldn’t help smiling back at Jared, who was beaming.

“Okay. I’ll be right there.”

He left, satisfied with that answer. As he got up a realization struck him, Jared’s never smiled like that before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, kudos and comments appreciated.
> 
> I actually stopped in the middle of writing this and wrote a song as if it was going to be in a musical. Lol
> 
> ~ Sky, TheBrokenWriter911
> 
> Check out my Tumblr: thebrokenwriter911  
> I post my art there or random things!
> 
> Check out my Twitter: @BrokenWriter911  
> I retweet loads of things and occasionally make my own tweets as well as post my art there!


	8. Smart Girl

On Friday, he finally met up with Alana after school.

“Hey Evan!” She greeted.

“Hi.” He stuttered out.

“I was thinking about it and I think if we could get more people to help, we could each give speeches. Like with you and your anxiety. That way it’s more inexclusive to everyone.”

“Yeah, that sounds good.” He smiled nervously and started picking at his cast.

“I can tell you’re uncomfortable with me so how about we get to know each other.”

“I’ve never really done that before.” He said, beginning to trace Connor’s name.

“Relax. I’ll start.” She watched him before asking, “Any crushes?”

“Oh. Um.. Uh.” He blushed.

“Sorry. It’s okay if you don’t have one.”

“Do you?”

“Do I what?”

He started blushing more, “Have one?”

“Yeah, but she’ll never like me back.” She said then covered her mouth.

“It’s alright, Alana.” He smiled, “I’m bi.”

“I’m pan.” She smiled, “Everyone might not love me, but I sure do love everyone.”

Evan gave a small laugh and then remembered, “Who’s your crush?”

“Don’t laugh, but it’s Zoe.”

Evan let out a small laugh before blushing, “Sorry.”

“I said don’t laugh!”

“I didn’t mean to it’s just… Zoe likes you too.”

She stood up, “Wow. You’re just like the others.”

“What do you mean?”

“You know, just using the smart girl.”

“What do you mean?”

“I have straight As. Everyone’s my friend until their grades go up.”

“What! No!” Evan stood up.

“I’ve heard what they say behind my back.” She snapped, “I’m a know it all. The girl you go to if you need help in a class. She’ll help you then you can drop her.”

“Alana, please.” Evan pleaded.

“I’ve heard what they say behind your back!”

“I’ve heard it too!”

“You’re just some loser that know one knows. That you only have one friend. I thought you were different.”

“I know you’re afraid that you’re going to get rejected. Trust me I know how that feels.”

“You don’t understand!”

“I like Connor, okay!” Evan yelled, tears coming to his eyes, and sat back down.

“Oh, maybe you do understand…” She sighed, “I’m sorry. I’m just so used to being used.”

“I understand, but just take a chance and tell Zoe how you feel.” He looked her in the eyes, “I may not have a chance, but you do.”

“Is she picking you up today?”

He nodded.

“I need to make myself look presentable!” She rushed to the nearest bathroom.

Evan wiped his eyes and laid his head down, “My crush may not like me back, but I know yours does.”

~

After calming her down, Evan and Alana finally left to where Zoe was waiting.

She looked up from her phone and waved, “Hey guys!”

“Hi, Zoe…”

Evan cleared his throat and nudged her forward, “Alana has something to ask.”

She looked down at her feet and blurted, “I was wondering if you would want to go on a date sometime?”

“Oh my gosh!” Zoe squealed, “Evan! Did you tell her?”

He nodded.

“Of course! I would love to go on a date with you and hopefully many more after.” Zoe smiled while blushing.

Blush spread over Alana’s cheeks, “Oh? That’s great!”

She smiled, “Talk more tonight?”

“Yeah.” Zoe agreed with a smile and Alana walked away, “Ready to go, Evan?”

Evan stared absentmindedly where she had turned the corner.

“Evan?”

“Hm?”

“Ready to go?”

“...Yeah.”

Zoe gave him a suspicious look, but didn’t say anything.

~

Jared had planned a movie night for all of them. To celebrate, he said. No one asked him to elaborate.

“I figure we can get snacks and things ready for when Alana gets here.” Jared said as they walked into the kitchen.

“So who’s going to pick the movie?” Zoe asked, stealing an apple from a bowl of them.

“I figure I will.” Jared said, “It’s my idea after all.”

“Good point.” She turned to Evan, “Any input?”

“Hm? Oh, I think it’s a good point too.”

If Evan was being honest, he felt like he was hearing the world through jello. 

~

Hours later when Alana knocked on the door, it wasn’t any better.

He hadn’t realized he was looking at his phone that long. So, he got up and stretched.

“Are you okay?” Asked someone, probably Zoe.

“Hm? Yeah. Just tired.”

He walked in the living room and Jared was trying to get his attention.

He probably said something before, but Evan didn’t notice until he shook his arm. 

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just a bit dizzy. I think I’m going to go lay down in my room.”

“But movie night!” 

He left to go lay down despite their protests. He got to his room and sighed.

Connor appeared.

“Evan, what’s wrong?”

“Why does everyone think something’s wrong? I’m fine!”

Taken aback by Evan’s tone, Connor got defensive, “Something’s obviously bothering you.”

“I’m fine! Besides it’s not like you’ll even care...” He turned away.

“Fine! Think that, but those people out there do care.”

“How do you know?”

Something clicked. How he could touch him. What that one thing Jared confronted him about, what Evan had said at the gas station. What sounded like someone talking to him through a window from a car that was submerged in water.

“Did you fall… or did you let go?”

Evan turned back quickly and stuttered out, “What?”

“Did you fall or did you let go, Evan?” Connor asked with urgency.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about…”

“DID YOU FALL OR DID YOU LET GO?” Connor snapped.

It was getting hard to breathe for Evan. His breath coming out in short gasps. Connor instantly softened.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to raise my voice.” Tears formed in his eyes.

The look of concern and sadness was the last thing Evan saw before the world went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, kudos and comments appreciated.
> 
> Not one of my favorite chapters, I'll admit, but I do like the ending of it. lol
> 
> ~ Sky, TheBrokenWriter911
> 
> Check out my Tumblr: thebrokenwriter911  
> I post my art there or random things!
> 
> Check out my Twitter: @BrokenWriter911  
> I retweet loads of things and occasionally make my own tweets as well as post my art there!


	9. You will be Found

He had woken up to a blinding white void filled with fog and as he walked, he could feel his anxiety rising. It got to the point where he felt like he was about to cry when something finally happened. A familiar figure appeared from the fog. That’s when his legs started moving, faster than he’s ever gone. He was facing away, but it was obvious who it was. He embraced him from behind, but as soon as he made contact, he erupted into white butterflies. Dropping to his knees, he started sobbing and let out a heart wrenching scream. The void then turned black, illuminating the bright butterflies.

~

He startled awake, finding himself in a hospital bed with Jared and Alana there to greet him.

“Evan! Oh my god you scared us so bad!” Alana gave a relieved smile, helping him sit up.

Jared smiled with tears in his eyes and pulled him into a hug, “Never fucking do that again.”

“What happened?”

“Well we found you passed out on your bedroom floor.” Alana explained, “We were hoping you could tell us why.”

Evan took a moment to recollect his thoughts, “Oh… I hyperventilated.”

“Why did you do that?” Alana asked.

Evan looked down at his cast and Jared mouthed “Oh.”

“I have something to tell everyone.”

“Are you sure?” Jared asked.

He nodded.

“I’ll get your mom and Alana can call Zoe.” He said, winking at her.

“Zoe and I literally have a date scheduled.” Alana laughed.

As soon as they left, Evan started to mentally prepare himself.

~

Soon they came back in with Zoe and his mom.

“Jared says you want to tell us something?” His mom asked, concern in her voice.

“You got this.” He heard whispered by Connor.

He swallowed hard and looked down at his cast.

“I lied to all of you.”

“What do you mean?” Alana asked, taken aback.

“What happened the day I broke my arm…” Evan stared at the name in black sharpie, “I didn’t fall.”

“What else could have happened?” His mom asked.

Zoe brought her hand up to her mouth in realization, tears coming.

He finished with a sob, “I let go.”

His mom rushed forward, squeezing him tightly in a hug.

“Oh Evan. Why didn’t you say so sooner?”

“I didn’t want to be even more of a burden to you.” He sobbed into her shoulder.

Zoe and Alana cried into each other’s shoulders. Jared had to leave the room. 

“I’m sorry you had to go through that.” She pulled away from him, “Just know I’m here for you.”

“I’m much better now.” He smiled through his tears.

She nodded and kissed him on his forehead, “You’re the best thing that’s happened in my life.”

Evan smiled and wiped at his tears, “I realize that now.”

“I hope I don’t feel overbearing.” She smiled, “I just want the best for you. I understand why you hid behind lies. It must’ve killed you to keep that secret trapped. Now you’ve got a few new friends and I’m sorry I didn’t see.”

“All I wanted was to feel wanted.” He laughed, “I love you, mom.”

“I love you too, sweetheart. Life may not be perfect.” She smiled, “But I know we can make it through.”

“I know that now and that’s because I have you.”

“And I have you.” She stood up and straighten out her scrubs, “I should get back to work. See you soon.”

He nodded and Zoe ran over and embraced him, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t think you actually knew what he went through.”

Alana was next, “We’re here for you, Evan.”

He nodded, “I know. I’m really glad you’re here.”

They nodded and Alana spoke up, “I think you and Jared need to have a talk alone.”

They left and Jared stumbled in, trying to wipe his tears away and failing.

“Come here, Jared.”

Jared rushed forward, “I thought I was fine.”

“Is anyone truly fine?” Evan joked and he gave a small laugh.

After a pause, he spoke up, “Were you scared?

“Yeah.”

“We need to talk more.” Jared mumbled.

~

Before the girls left they asked Evan’s mom for a sharpie and signed his cast. Jared joined in and after they left, he continued to doodle small things on it.

~

He was discharged and his mom brought him a change of clothes. After getting changed, Jared and him walked down to leave. 

After exiting, the girls came running out and excitedly shouted, “Evan!”

He looked over and his heart dropped.

There, in between the two girls, stood Connor Murphy. Clothes put on haphazardly and hair a mess.

With tears coming down his face, he looked away.

“I’m sorry.”

Evan rushed over and embraced him, arms around his neck. Connor quickly put his arm around him and gripped the back of his shirt, resting his head to sob on his shoulder.

“I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Evan reassured, voice cracking.

“It’s not.” Connor mumbled.

“I forgive you because I know you would do the same.”

“You’ve done so much for me.” He lifted his head up, “Why?”

“Because I care for you.” What he truly meant was left unspoken, but was heard anyway.

Connor smiled and bent his head down to rest his forehead on Evan’s.

“I’m glad I’m here. I’m glad I’m alive.”

“Seeing you smile makes it all worth it.” Evan let himself say.

He pulled away, sad, but he knew they couldn’t stay like that forever.

“I have a lot of explaining to do.” He smiled, sheepishly.

~

The next day, Connor showed up at Evan’s house.

“I thought we could go get some ice cream.”

Evan smiled.

~

After that he didn’t have much of a plan.

“My mom is worried. I love her, but sometimes I need some space.” Was all Connor offered in explanation.

Soon they were driving down winding country roads. He parked next to an open field surrounded by trees.

The sun just beginning to settle in.

They choose a spot in the field to shoot the breeze. They quoted songs from their favorite bands, telling jokes that no one would understand except them two. 

Connor pulled him to his feet with a smile, “Let’s walk and talk.”

Their conversation turned to things that they would do when they get out of school.

He turns and says, “There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”

And Evan says, “Me too.”

They stopped and just took in the moment for a while.

Suddenly, Connor started running, “Come on!”

Evan laughed and gave chase. Running next to Connor, not knowing where they were running to, both laughing and smiling.

He tripped over something and Connor grabbed him, turning him around, but both of them fell, with Connor on top of him.

Without a second thought, Connor leaned down and kissed him. Evan kissed back.

~ 

Later, they made their way to the trees and sat under that tallest tree. Not daring to climb it. Evan leaned his head on Connor’s shoulder and Connor leaned his head on Evan’s and they watched as the sun set.

They could stay like that for forever and that would be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, kudos and comments appreciated.
> 
> The next chapter just wraps things up :)
> 
> ~ Sky, TheBrokenWriter911
> 
> Check out my Tumblr: thebrokenwriter911  
> I post my art there or random things!
> 
> Check out my Twitter: @BrokenWriter911  
> I retweet loads of things and occasionally make my own tweets as well as post my art there!


	10. Finale

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Today is going to be a good day because today, today at least you’re you and that’s enough. You have some pretty amazing friends that love you. Your mom even seems happier. Jared is now not only your friend, but officially your brother. Though he said he’s keeping his last name as a last ‘Fuck you’ to his parents. Alana and Zoe are happy together! Connor and I have even gone on a couple double dates with them. Connor gave me the shoe box of papers for ‘safe keeping’. He said I could look. I still haven’t gotten the nerve yet. He did take back his note book, but not before Jared put a ‘Keep Out’ sticker on it._

_To sum it up, today is going to be a good day because today, today your life is good. Your life tomorrow will be good. Your life next year will be good._

_Sincerely, Me_

**_Dear Evan Hansen,_ **

**_Today is going to be a good day because you and I survived to see it!_ **

**_Love you, Connor_ **

**Dear Evan Hansen,**

**Today is going to be a good day because you’re going on a date tonight! ;)**

**Your Future Sister-in-Law, Zoe**

Dear Evan Hansen,

Today is going to be a good day because mom is also going on a date! Heck yeah! She deserves it and so do you!!

The Insanely Cool, Jared

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Today is going to be a good day because without you I would’ve never gotten my girlfriend!!!!!!_

_You’re the best, Alana_

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Today is going to be a good day because you are loved!_

_Love you sweetheart, Mom_

Alana and Jared set up a website to spread awareness. Everyone all sat down in front of a camera to talk about their different experiences. To let people know, they will be found. That they shouldn’t give up hope because though it might not happen when you want it. It will happen someday. Though, it can only happen sooner if you speak up. Make yourself found. Make yourself heard.

Some of the things in the box:

**_Dear Evan Hansen,_ **

**_I know you’re never going to see this, but God 10th grade fucking sucks. My mom finally took me to therapy and my therapist suggested I write letters to either myself or someone else. I’m free to vent because they won’t look. I’m free to even just not do it. I don’t know why I am actually… Or why I choose you… Okay that’s a lie. I do know why. I’m writing to one of the people that they suggest. How did I out of a choice between my sister, my mom, my dad, a friend, or crush, choose to write to my fucking crush. The world may never know._ **

**_Sincerely, Connor Murphy_ **

**_Dear Evan Hansen,_ **

**_I didn’t feel like making a stupid letter, but I wanted to write down how cute you look when you get flustered_ **

**_That’s it, Connor Murphy_ **

**_Dear Evan Hansen,_ **

**_You weren’t paying attention in class today and I wasn’t either… as I was looking at you. So instead of a letter. I did a sketch of you in class today. Sometimes I wonder what goes through your mind. Am I in it?_ **

**_Artist, Connor Murphy_ **

**_10 Things I like about Evan Hansen:_ **

  * **_His eyes_**


  * _**His smile**_


  * _**His nervous ticks: Chewing on his lip, picking at the hem of his shirt**_


  * _**His freckles**_


  * _**His voice**_


  * _**His love for trees**_


  * _**The way he stutters when he’s nervous**_


  * _**His lips**_


  * _**His EVERYTHING**_


  * _**Oh God I’m so gay for Evan Hansen**_



**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, kudos and comments appreciated.
> 
> This chapter was just an extra :)
> 
> ~ Sky, TheBrokenWriter911
> 
> Check out my Tumblr: thebrokenwriter911  
> I post my art there or random things!
> 
> Check out my Twitter: @BrokenWriter911  
> I retweet loads of things and occasionally make my own tweets as well as post my art there!


End file.
